For generations, so many of us have been relying on our children to accept us for who we are. We want our children to accept all of our mistakes and flaws. Yet this expectation of our children turns them into the “parent” or care giver. Is it fair for us to have this expectation of them?
Children are the ones who are really needing the nurturing. The problem is as adults, many of us need nurturing as well. Within us, we have child like aspects of our personality that had to nurture our own parents. A part that didn’t get the nurturing that we needed.
How is it that we can nurture our children and give them what they need, and at the same time, give ourselves what we need?
Let’s turn inward. Take a moment right now, and take a deep breathe..
There!
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You are one step closer to giving yourself what you need! Many of us have been deprived of attention, of love, and of real physical needs like being held as children, and being breastfed until completion. The forgotten pain from not having these needs met when we were young, is excruciating. It is so painful that we couldn’t bear it as young children.
Now take another deep breath!
Very good! You are now on your way to experiencing more joy.
If you were able to feel this pain now you understand what is being said. If you are thinking, “I don’t feel or connect with anything that is written,” or “this is not me” then please take one more deep breath.
We cannot make up for what we didn’t get as children, because even if we get it, we won’t feel satisfied. Why aren’t we satisfied as mothers?
It is because as adults, we do not have the same needs that we had as children.
If you are finding yourself as a parent of a young one you may realize that babies and children have different needs than adults.
Mother’s commonly experience frustration and confusion as adults as we try to raise our children. Many of us tend to avoid our feelings of frustration or inadequacy. Rather than feel our internal feelings, we place our children in day care, or ship our children off to the nearest schools, or bring our children to a doctor to be “examined.” We say or think, “I am doing the right thing.” Meanwhile the results of our behaviors can many times cause our children to suffer. This is because we are ignoring how they feel, and what they are experiencing. We ignore how our children feel, because we are ignoring our own feelings.
Many times parents deport their children to daycare or school, because they then can “have time for myself.”
But what we are really needing is not time away from our children, but to give ourselves space to cry and feel what we really feel in the moment. Sometimes we feel frustrated and need to kick pillows or find other non-harmful ways of releasing our aggression.
There are types of alternatives therapies that can help support this. Core energetics (, , , ) is one such example. Another is Hellinger Family Constellations. (Please note that not every therapist under these modalities is the best, use care in discernment if you seek a therapist.)
When you are able to address and feel some of your own feelings, then you can hold a safe space for you and your child. When they are upset or frustrated, you won’t feel like you have to control them or to change their mood or to punish them. You will accept them as they are.
Summary:
- We have been all hurt as children.
- As adults we can heal these hurts.
- Our children and future generations will benefit greatly from our healing.
Our children need us to heal ourselves!
